Fathers...

So early this morning in the semi-nocturnal world that I inhabit I had all these ideas buzzing around my head about my next blog. I had these ideas flowing about this and that and the creole catfish that I made for supper last night.

Then around lunchtime today my world flipped upside down for reasons that I am still trying to grasp eight or nine hours later. At about 130 this afternoon I was shaking like a palm tree in a class 5 hurricane. If James Bond wanted a martini, it would be have been shaken to the nth degree and not stirred. LOL.

Anyways let's back this up somewhat and give a little bit of history to help explain things. Maybe it will, maybe it won't.

A week or so ago my sister forwarded an email to me from friends of my Dad that had some pictures of him taken way back in 1960 maybe 1961. I've used some of them for this blog. It triggered memories for me. Some pleasant. Some not so pleasant. Lots of hazy stuff.

Let's face it these pictures were taken a year or two before I was born. So these wouldn't be my memories but at the same time this triggered these faint rememberances that I had of my Dad that was only part of my life for 7 years.

As some may know and some may not know, my Dad had some personal issues and in late September 1969, two weeks or so before he would turn 33 he took his life. I was 7 and 1/2 years old at which point a journey began for me where I was looking, seeking, searching for something to complete me. To help me understand my "Schlewingness". LOL. New word there.

My Mom did her best to raise and bring me and my siblings up at first on her own and then afterwards with the help of a decent man. When you lose a parent regardless of the age you are in your life; challenges arise. I lost my Mom in 2002 and that was different and in many ways incredibly hard to deal with as she was an integral part of my life for 40 years. The impact of her passing was huge on me. For months little things would conjure up sadness. Eventually we heal and in my case happy thoughts and memories were the first things that came to mind instead of sadness.

As I said I lost my Dad young and in many ways I am his spitting image except that I am on the heavier side than he was. I have his height. His bad vision. His skinny legs. His way of carrying himself. I have his first name as my middle name which I passed on to my son as well because it's as if it continues the paternal line so to speak.

My loss helped me become the father that I have tried to find or replace all of my life. Sometimes, most times I think I did or am doing a phenomenal job and other times I've no clue.

Anyways fast forward to today April 19th, 2012 when I thought I made an innocuous and precise observation to my son which led us to have a huge blow-up which I am still trying to understand.

What gets me wondering is that regardless of the big thing that occurred today is that from the day that I cut his umbilical cord over 20 odd years ago, I have been there for the young man. I have made some mistakes and have admitted to them and will continue to make mistakes but damn it I've been there.

I make mistakes. Good things happen. Bad things happen. Sometimes I deal with things correctly. Sometimes wisdom that I have accumulated over the years comes to the forefront. Sometimes irrational anger and emotions take over.

I never said I was perfect. I know I am not perfect. You don't become a parent for the glory. You take pride in your child or in your children. You try to do the right thing. At least I try to do the right thing. You try to set a good example. You want your child not to make the mistakes that you made. They make mistakes it's a part of life. That's how we learn. You don't learn from success. You learn when you eff things up on a grand scale. You learn from pain. Well you're supposed to. LOL. Some people would rather be miserable and not learn at all. That is not me. Someone wise once said that repeating the same behaviour and expecting different results is insanity. Well I try to be sane. LOL. I find that amusing for some reason.

Where am I going here with all this typing? All I have ever wanted is respect. You want to be, I want to be recognized in a certain manner that "hey Marc you did the right thing". You want to hear that you're a good person. You don't want to be treated like the last 20 years have been some effing illusion and all for naught. Damn. I don't sleep most nights because I hurt or I fear yet I get up every day and I try to do good and I try to be better. For all that I don't do well I want learn to do better but at the same time for all that I do well, I in a small way want to be respected even if it is in silence.

LOL. I think that this one of those blogs that is not going on be here for very long. It helped though I typed it. I thought it out. It brings some clarity. I can try to get some sleep now.